January 23, 2009 - Besessenheit
It’s been six years, four months. Just going by maths alone, that’s almost a quarter of my life; a quarter of my life spent either thinking or reminding me on a daily basis, both of an innocent sin and the recipient of said sin. On the opposite side of the scale I’ve only three years; period that was spent during a not so meaningful stage of our lives and made up mostly of memories that more than likely must have already faded away. Clearly, not just during my academic life but also in my life per se, numbers aren’t on my side.
How I’ve come to question my obsession after so long is a fine example of how even the most pragmatic of people can and have their slips. After a downward spiral inside a cage of “what if”s projected by my own mind that lasted for about a week it finally occurred to my very handicapped emotional system to thoroughly question the whole reasoning, if any, beyond the need to cling so adamantly to such ephemeral memories. The result of the analysis isn’t particularly encouraging..I mean, just going by logic alone, three years that took place over a decade ago can’t justify such energy invested on the nostalgia that’d drive a person to think about a catalyst during six years and four months.
Even in the highly unlikely scenario that it could be acceptable, there is another flaw; all that time has been spent thinking about an aftermath. What’d be said, what might happen, “what if”s…understandable given human nature, nonetheless the fact that during such a long period I never ever stopped to question the validity of my obsession demanded that I smack my forehead for being, simply put, retarded.
How it all reached this point is another peculiar point; six years and four months that could have been avoided, or at the very least shortened, would I have had the guts to pick up a phone sometime and simply try to exercise my social skills. But of course, lack of symmetry in life provided me (over time) with guts to challenge unfair administrations yet I can’t seem to face some person that I’ve wronged from my past. To do so after so long feels like a huge sacrifice but since I kept delaying myself then I became a self fulfilling prophecy.
The whole thing was done backwards; I obsessed without even considering the reasons for it. Three years that took place twelve years ago and a recollection of events and memories; that’s all I can put on the scale in favor against the odds of a quarter of a lifetime, time frame that keeps growing every day. Logic states I’m wrong and that the foundation for my obsession is terribly flawed.
But I won’t move on, my obsession is not a caprice or a whim, it’s based on one of the few things outside me that I hold dear. Distant or not, ephemeral or not, those memories are real; the impact in me is real; she, the catalyst, is real and as such, while I consider logic to be right in its assessment I don’t believe I am wrong either. I owe somebody a great deal of explanations..starting with a reply to something said twelve years ago to which I simply couldn’t reply. I’m not obsessing over a second chance; I am obsessing over repaying a debt, over saying all the things I should’ve that I didn’t. I don’t know what things people obsess about, the word per se isn’t particularly promising but I like its effect on me; a reminder, that even after massive time rifts, people can still influence us. That is the answer to my own self in regards to our obsession.
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About Me
Short story, I'm a bastard and I have lots of negativity to share. The "Real World" (tm) isn't enough to spread it so yeah...why not go back to blogging?
Oh yeah...formerly known as Kaiser Sigma (for some reason the site didn't like a blank inbetween the words =/ ) nowadays I'm more known as Karel. Still the same asshole.
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