December 31, 2008 - The allegory of time
I must preface this post by stating that I despise holidays; simply put, whatever they instill in people annoys, irks and overall simply weakens me; it's like riding a bitter rollercoaster.
With that said, what the fuck is the big deal with people and time? The continuous need to bind something to a date simply goes beyond me. Congregations, enjoyments, emotional outbursts and so many more things just because somebody decided that date means . "The time to be grateful for.." but come on, if you are grateful for something you'll always be; it's not like there's some kind of worldwide day established to be grateful.
Maybe it's because I'm emotionally handicapped (not that such a thing exists but if it would I'd be a prime example of it) and everything going on during holidays eludes me. But for all intent and purposes, I just don't get it.
Somebody told me it is nice to have things be special but I just can't come even remotely close to understand or feel that. I must be hollow, because Dec 31 is just another day to me, no different than any other given day.
And the tip of the spear, given what Dec 31 means for people, would be resolutions. New year, new life..or so they say. And with that come resolutions: people's hopes and / or wishes? I haven't thought about the other dates but in regards to this, perhaps the problem is that: resolutions. Something they have but I don't? That'd be some real lame revelation.
People reach the end of each year regarding it as a milestone. I reach the end of the year like another day. They plan resolutions and give thanks for whatever..I have none and given that I am the archetypical outsider I have nothing or anyone to be thankful for. I mean..sure, I do have resolutions, goals and ambitions but they are something applied to the course of a lifetime, I can't see life as something which is divided into periodical milestones. Are people so romantic as to deem time as something that dictates our behavior, emotions and thought process?
I have an entire life focused on a few huge, (some of them) nearly unreachable goals and resolutions. But I have nothing short term that I look forward to. Not that I have a problem with that, it's the way I chose to live this life but when seasons like this arrive the massive paraphernalia attached to the date sends me into some kind of downward spiral. Of course that if I am not unhappy with the path I chose why is it that it bothers me so much to bear people? It's an unfortunate paradox..well maybe not, I mean, we are humans. There's nothing wrong in feelings of bitterness, jealousy, etc. it's, as a matter of fact, normal.
In retrospective, I guess that is what I hate about holidays. It brings a shade of dark in me which is beneath me; and it's quite...well, infuriating? My fault for being a narcissistic bastard.
Rereading this, it didn't turn out too bad. I figured something out which I didn't know before..well, I probably did, more like: I unlocked something I had locked. Who said being trapped in a bitter rapsodhy is useless?
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About Me
Short story, I'm a bastard and I have lots of negativity to share. The "Real World" (tm) isn't enough to spread it so yeah...why not go back to blogging?
Oh yeah...formerly known as Kaiser Sigma (for some reason the site didn't like a blank inbetween the words =/ ) nowadays I'm more known as Karel. Still the same asshole.
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