January 23, 2009 - Besessenheit
It’s been six years, four months. Just going by maths alone, that’s almost a quarter of my life; a quarter of my life spent either thinking or reminding me on a daily basis, both of an innocent sin and the recipient of said sin. On the opposite side of the scale I’ve only three years; period that was spent during a not so meaningful stage of our lives and made up mostly of memories that more than likely must have already faded away. Clearly, not just during my academic life but also in my life per se, numbers aren’t on my side.
How I’ve come to question my obsession after so long is a fine example of how even the most pragmatic of people can and have their slips. After a downward spiral inside a cage of “what if”s projected by my own mind that lasted for about a week it finally occurred to my very handicapped emotional system to thoroughly question the whole reasoning, if any, beyond the need to cling so adamantly to such ephemeral memories. The result of the analysis isn’t particularly encouraging..I mean, just going by logic alone, three years that took place over a decade ago can’t justify such energy invested on the nostalgia that’d drive a person to think about a catalyst during six years and four months.
Even in the highly unlikely scenario that it could be acceptable, there is another flaw; all that time has been spent thinking about an aftermath. What’d be said, what might happen, “what if”s…understandable given human nature, nonetheless the fact that during such a long period I never ever stopped to question the validity of my obsession demanded that I smack my forehead for being, simply put, retarded.
How it all reached this point is another peculiar point; six years and four months that could have been avoided, or at the very least shortened, would I have had the guts to pick up a phone sometime and simply try to exercise my social skills. But of course, lack of symmetry in life provided me (over time) with guts to challenge unfair administrations yet I can’t seem to face some person that I’ve wronged from my past. To do so after so long feels like a huge sacrifice but since I kept delaying myself then I became a self fulfilling prophecy.
The whole thing was done backwards; I obsessed without even considering the reasons for it. Three years that took place twelve years ago and a recollection of events and memories; that’s all I can put on the scale in favor against the odds of a quarter of a lifetime, time frame that keeps growing every day. Logic states I’m wrong and that the foundation for my obsession is terribly flawed.
But I won’t move on, my obsession is not a caprice or a whim, it’s based on one of the few things outside me that I hold dear. Distant or not, ephemeral or not, those memories are real; the impact in me is real; she, the catalyst, is real and as such, while I consider logic to be right in its assessment I don’t believe I am wrong either. I owe somebody a great deal of explanations..starting with a reply to something said twelve years ago to which I simply couldn’t reply. I’m not obsessing over a second chance; I am obsessing over repaying a debt, over saying all the things I should’ve that I didn’t. I don’t know what things people obsess about, the word per se isn’t particularly promising but I like its effect on me; a reminder, that even after massive time rifts, people can still influence us. That is the answer to my own self in regards to our obsession.
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December 31, 2008 - The allegory of time
I must preface this post by stating that I despise holidays; simply put, whatever they instill in people annoys, irks and overall simply weakens me; it's like riding a bitter rollercoaster.
With that said, what the fuck is the big deal with people and time? The continuous need to bind something to a date simply goes beyond me. Congregations, enjoyments, emotional outbursts and so many more things just because somebody decided that date means . "The time to be grateful for.." but come on, if you are grateful for something you'll always be; it's not like there's some kind of worldwide day established to be grateful.
Maybe it's because I'm emotionally handicapped (not that such a thing exists but if it would I'd be a prime example of it) and everything going on during holidays eludes me. But for all intent and purposes, I just don't get it.
Somebody told me it is nice to have things be special but I just can't come even remotely close to understand or feel that. I must be hollow, because Dec 31 is just another day to me, no different than any other given day.
And the tip of the spear, given what Dec 31 means for people, would be resolutions. New year, new life..or so they say. And with that come resolutions: people's hopes and / or wishes? I haven't thought about the other dates but in regards to this, perhaps the problem is that: resolutions. Something they have but I don't? That'd be some real lame revelation.
People reach the end of each year regarding it as a milestone. I reach the end of the year like another day. They plan resolutions and give thanks for whatever..I have none and given that I am the archetypical outsider I have nothing or anyone to be thankful for. I mean..sure, I do have resolutions, goals and ambitions but they are something applied to the course of a lifetime, I can't see life as something which is divided into periodical milestones. Are people so romantic as to deem time as something that dictates our behavior, emotions and thought process?
I have an entire life focused on a few huge, (some of them) nearly unreachable goals and resolutions. But I have nothing short term that I look forward to. Not that I have a problem with that, it's the way I chose to live this life but when seasons like this arrive the massive paraphernalia attached to the date sends me into some kind of downward spiral. Of course that if I am not unhappy with the path I chose why is it that it bothers me so much to bear people? It's an unfortunate paradox..well maybe not, I mean, we are humans. There's nothing wrong in feelings of bitterness, jealousy, etc. it's, as a matter of fact, normal.
In retrospective, I guess that is what I hate about holidays. It brings a shade of dark in me which is beneath me; and it's quite...well, infuriating? My fault for being a narcissistic bastard.
Rereading this, it didn't turn out too bad. I figured something out which I didn't know before..well, I probably did, more like: I unlocked something I had locked. Who said being trapped in a bitter rapsodhy is useless?
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October 15, 2008 - Saints, Angels and Fallacies
Candidate #??? for retroactive birth control: The "Good Guy" (tm) (where guy is a completely generic word unrelated to gender, more often than not it is a woman)
With, at the very least, hundreds of people surrounding us wherever we live there's always some moron who proclaims himself / herself to be "a good person =)))))))". A person that cares for everybody alike, a person who considers every other person who they interact with a friend, somebody who feels something for every single bastard out there, somebody who can forgive and forget, zomg!...somebody with the amazing gift of loving equally every single fucker in the world.
And of course, there's much rejoice and much admiration. Society cheers at these sights of infinite benevolence. The "good people" of the world... pretty damn awesome, aren't they?
No, fucktards. They aren't. And all those who think these people are good people should fist themselves with a goddamned handgrenade. Newsflash, if you care equally for everybody then no matter how much you care; at the end of the day nobody has any significant value. The act of "being a good person" is nothing but a way of taking away all value from people.
Let's put it this way..if tomorrow somebody in a position of power declares that from this day on all gems and metals in the world (rubies, sapphires, emeralds, pearls, gold, platinum, silver, etc) will have the same value as, say, coal; then congratulations on making every single gem and metal in the world absolutely worthless.
And with people, it happens the exact same. No matter how tall is the horn of the fucking unicorn you are riding, you aren't a good person for spouting nor exercising that bullshit of caring for everybody. You are just another mediocre human being incapable of ever, truly, caring for another person. Not just that..the biggest fallacy lies on the fact that for the people who want to be something meaningful to "the good people" (tm), and we aren't even talking about romance for after all there is life beyond romantical love, the fact that they will never be anything more or less than "another great friend!!! (of which I have 40 btw lol)" is the cruelest of acts.
It's like sex..which oddly enough for these people, most of the time, is regarded as a very sacred thing. If, and I would like to stress that if, you want it to be meaningful..you'll have it with whom you think is worthy / adecuate / whatever of it. If you have sex with forty people, then you aren't really regarding sex as a meaningful thing.
Friendship is the same. It's special, not something you hand out like free condoms at the end of a sexual education class at some highschool where the dudes will go fuck after classes, duh. It's something that should be handled with care because otherwise you are turning something beautiful into something ugly, cheap and without value.
So...to close this, let me say this once again: there is no such thing as good people who care for everybody alike. There's only people riding a high horse for whatever reason that can't, for whatever reason, feel anything remotely meaningful for somebody. Thus, engaging in a dizillion of non meaningful "friendships".
That is not the definition of a good person and by all means, I'll bury you alive with facts if I see you in the real world (tm).
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About Me
Short story, I'm a bastard and I have lots of negativity to share. The "Real World" (tm) isn't enough to spread it so yeah...why not go back to blogging?
Oh yeah...formerly known as Kaiser Sigma (for some reason the site didn't like a blank inbetween the words =/ ) nowadays I'm more known as Karel. Still the same asshole.
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